Yuna

Cutest. Baby. Ever.

Upon seeing this picture, Ike declared, "Oh, cute baby... We have baby. He name is Asher. He bug me every single time." And then he called him a coo-coo head. Which is a little unfair, since Asher doesn't really bug anyone (except me sometimes at 4 in the morning) and he's totally not a coo-coo head.

Speaking of Yuna, happy birthday to Yuna's dad- my oldest of my little brothers, David. David, I hope your day is full of cake and presents and at least one trip to the post office so you can package that little half Japanese girl up and send her to me so I can squeeze her and kiss and gobble her up with a pair of chopsticks.

Yuna, I case you were wondering, I adore you. David, you're pretty cool as well.

Tabouli and EinstIKEn

For this 8 week challenge I'm doing, I've been trying to make an effort to get as many of the ten things done and off my list before noon. Some of the things I can't get done right away (like no eating after 8 p.m. and drinking 64 ounces of water). But when it comes to exercise, journal/blog and uplifting reading, I like to check those off right out of the gate. It's been a great way to start my mornings and leads to a much more productive and fulfilling day.

So according to the images on my camera, today's blog is brought to you by tabouli and Ike's crazy hair.

Growing up, tabouli was like the creamed spinach of our household. My mom was always trying to get us to eat more tabouli and we hated it. That woman had a love affair with her tabouli and as a kid, I just didn't get it. It looked like grass and it tasted like grass to me. Well, fast forward a couple of decades later and I love me some tabouli. I think everyone could use a little more bulgur in their lives. Could you?

And then there's Ike's hair. Some mornings I just shake my head and laugh.

I really ought to cut it but at this point I'm interested to see where it goes from here. Plus I think his hair is somewhat fitting of his personality. Over the last few months, Ike has really discovered his voice and apparently that voice has told him to do some pretty naughty things. Like cut holes in the couch. And color on the couch (what's he got against the couch!?!) And lock doors behind him. And take all his clothes off several times a day. And pee all over his bedroom carpet.

But my heart kind of melts every time he says "I'm sah-ry Mom" so I'll forgive that crazy haired kid. Unless he cuts the couch up again. Then I'm done. I'll send him away to a crazy science lab where he can become a little mad scientist apprentice.

Milestones

We've reached some important milestones in our house recently. First up, Asher has hit the "laughing at sneezes" milestone. I'm not sure who makes me laugh more while watching this video- Asher or Clark.

Next up, Booker learned how to dive. Not sure who taught him, but it wasn't me. I'm definitely one proud mama though. Do you remember how difficult and scary diving seemed to be when you were little? I do. Well done, Bean. Swim team 2012 here we come!

Let Go and Let God

Let go and let God.

It's something you're likely to hear at an Al Anon meeting. It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Right after my children and my husband, I think I spend the most time worrying about and fretting over my siblings. I just love them so much. My sister and my three brothers mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. Anything. And that includes nothing.

My little brother Danny has been missing for awhile now and I have done nothing about it.

He took off shortly after Asher was born, so I guess that means he's been missing for almost three months. At first, I really did do nothing. I figured he would turn up after a few weeks like he usually does. Then I began to feel guilty that I wasn't doing more. What kind of sister does nothing? I emailed some of his Facebook friends. I called and texted his phone with no reply until it was shut off. I searched the internet for any sign of him- doing inmate searches and even searching coroner's reports for the states of Arizona, Utah, Nevada and California. I soon realized that searching coroner's reports for your brother's body is a surefire way to make you go insane. The worst kind of insane. I had to stop doing that. I had to let go.

Slowly, I began to realize that I'm powerless. There is nothing I can do to make him return, to make him contact us. I began to pray. I prayed fervently. I prayed for his safety. I prayed that he had food to eat and somewhere to sleep. I prayed that it wouldn't be too hot if he was in Arizona, too cold if he was in Utah. I prayed that the people he was in contact with would treat him with love and respect. But even then, I had to let go.

My prayers have changed. My focus is less on Danny and more on myself. I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for strength to deal with the outcome, whatever it may be. I'm praying that I can stay away from the deep dark places my thoughts wander off to. I'm trying to let go and let God.

Don't get me wrong. I haven't given up on Danny. I've just realized that it's out of my hands. I'll let God handle it from here. His hands are way better than mine anyways.

Everyday I question my decision to let go. It's silly, but I worry that Danny thinks we've given up on him. It bothers me (quite a bit for some reason) that people he's with might think that Danny doesn't have a family that is sick with worry. Literally sick. Because that's the only way I can describe my thoughts lately... sick.

Doing nothing is harder than you think. But right now for me, it's necessary. I'm reminded of something Jeff VanVonderen (my favorite of the interventionists on A&E's show, Intervention) often says, "There's nothing we won't do to help you get better, but there's nothing we're going to continue doing that will allow this to go on any longer." Doing nothing sucks, but sometimes it's the only option to help someone get better.

So Danny, if you happen to be reading this, which is highly unlikely...

So future sober Danny, if you happen to to be reading this (which also seems unlikely but maybe you got curious and wanted to know what your family was thinking during this time), please know that we never gave up even though it might look that way. Please know that I wanted to drop everything and go search for you. Please know that I did everything in my power and then I realized that my power is pathetic and puny. Doing nothing was hard, really really really hard. I love you, Danny, but I'm trying to learn to also love myself and for that reason I had to let go. Let go of the obsessive thoughts and the fear and the hurt you've caused us. It's toxic. I'm trying to fill the void with hope and faith. Hope that you'll get better and faith that God will make it happen.

A Better Me?

In 8 weeks...

Well, that's the idea anyways. I'm starting a 8 week challenge and part of that challenge includes writing in a journal everyday. And since blogging counts towards that, you just might be hearing more from me. I'm looking forward to trying to get 7 hours of sleep each night Actually who am I kidding? I ALWAYS get at least seven hours of sleep a night. I guess I'm looking forward to patting myself on the back for something I do anyways. I'm not looking forward to giving up sugar and diet soda... for two whole months. So friends and family, I give you permission to publicly shame me if you catch me with can of Coke Zero in my hand. But not if it's my free day. Then leave me in peace to catch up on a week's worth of caffeine deprivation.

Anyways, since I only ever pull my camera out for Asher lately, he'll be the star of today's post. And he deserves it. He's my sweet easy darling little dimple faced chubba wubba. He's one good kid. Compared to his brothers at this age, he's easy as pie. Goes to sleep at seven every night. Sleeps until 4, wakes up briefly to eat and then back down for a few more hours. All he needs is his bippy and some white noise, lay him down and he passes out. None of this rocking and singing and holding business.

Clark keeps raining on my parade, but I think this kid is going to have blue eyes. He's convinced they'll change, but I think otherwise. He's got his dad's coloring.

And in the above pic, he totally reminds me of my brother David. Speaking of my brother David, I had to include this amazing picture of his daughter (and Asher's best frousin) Yuna. I'm obsessed with that little girl. She's a super baby. Super adorable.

I really hope Yuna and Asher will get to meet before they get too big. Until then, Asher will just have to hang out with his brothers and endure their crushes, er I mean, cuddles. I don't know how many more of their love head-butts this little guy can withstand.