Ashley, Marie and Me at the Gammage
Well, it wasn't truly a surprise because I peaked online to find out why my sister wanted me to meet her in Phoenix last night (I wanted to know if I could bring my baby and also, surprises make me super anxious). It turns out, I definitely DID NOT want to bring my baby because she had gotten tickets to a reading with David Sedaris.
Holy cow, was that fun. I laughed so hard, I cried. Marie laughed so hard, I cried. Dave Sedaris laughed so adorably, I cried. I wish I could have committed the entire night to memory and then recreate it here, because it was so hilarious. Most of the pieces he read were (for the most part) new to me. Like this week's Shouts and Murmurs and a piece about his most recent book tour. I had heard "Cow and Turkey" on This American Life but I didn't realize that its also in Holidays on Ice. I loved it when he read from his personal journal, sharing funny little observations he's had and interactions with people he's met on tour. My favorite, however, might have been when he read someone else's work- George Saunder's The Braindead Megaphone, specifically Ask the Optimist. Marie was laughing so hard at this point that I was almost embarrassed. It was great. I also loved it when he accidentally misread something because he would let out the cutest little oops ever.
After the question and answer period, we rushed to the lobby to try and get some books signed. It was too late because the line was a mile long and my breasts were reminding me that I needed to get back home soon. But I imagine that if we had waited in that long line, it might have gone something like this:
Me: MR. SEDARIS! Tell me, tell me- what makes me you so hilarious and so adorable?
DS: Well, thats a funny story...
Me: Could it be that your boyfriend, Hugh is a former foreign service brat JUST LIKE ME!?!?! Because you know, its not as glamorous as you think. I would much rather have grown up in Raleigh, North Carolina.
DS: (recognizes this for the lie that it is)
Me: Mr. Sedaris, can I put you in my pocket and take you home and share you with my husband, not in a gay way of course but in a you-could-make-us-laugh-until-we-cry type of way?
DS: Ummm, no.
Me: Ok, well then can I come and live with you in your quaint French cottage? I can help you outfit bee carcasses in armor of tin foil while Hugh plasters walls and plants vegetables.
DS: Absolutely not.
Me, Ok, well then can I have that fake mustache you're wearing for no apparent reason?
DS: Thanks for coming.
Me: Thanks for being so hilarious and so adorable. See you next time you're in Phoenix.
And he would remember me forever and possibly even write an essay about me. So thank you, Marie for the awesome evening. But I must mention that this gift was twofold- an evening with Dave Sedaris thanks to my sister and an evening without my kids thanks to my husband. I was just a little bit disappointed to come home and find that life had carried on (quite smoothly) without me. Unlike his brother, Ike will actually take a bottle. Sigh. This is a good thing but I can't help but feel a little replaceable. Maybe my boobs and I will move to France even if Mr. Sedaris won't have us.