Thursday, March 15, 2012

Loss

I'm at a loss for words. At least for words that make sense. I apologize.

On Monday, I went to Phoenix to hang out with my siblings.

On Tuesday, things got busy and photos from our evening together sat unpublished in my draft folder.

On Wednesday, it happened.

Monday and Tuesday are pre and now things are post. I thought about burying the photos somewhere deep in my hard drive, delete draft. They weren't relevant anymore. We were changed. It felt phony.

Why were we smiling? Because it was pre. And now it is post. We had no idea.

Delete draft. Bury the evidence. No reminders of pre. No matter how lovely they are. And let me tell you, they were lovely and involved Arabic food.

Except, the thing about post is that no matter how loathsome it is... you have to carry on. And sometimes that evidence from before (before you knew, before it happened, before the world became pre and post), is helpful when it comes to the carrying on part.

So while I hesitate to share my siblings with you, for they are precious to me and I want to protect them...

And while I hesitate to share these photos with you, for they will never be recreated exactly so and that stings my heart...

I will because I want you to know that the love we have for each other runs deep and it is unbreakable and allows us to carry each other on.

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And since I seem to have a perverse habit of trying to be funny in the middle of a crisis, here's one more of all five of us. Yes, I'm being vague. No, this does not mean my brother David has died and come back to haunt us with his floating head. I just miss him is all.

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And yes, it is strange to be hashing this out so soon after the fact but it's amazing how much time you have on your hands when you don't sleep. Plus my writing thoughts are much more acceptable to me than the sick, twisted and violent thoughts that have been creeping into my head and leave me feeling terrified and ashamed. 

10 comments:

Minnie said...

These pictures are beautiful-thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

grauntbetsy said...

thank you, I love you all! And all I can think is Hold on, hold on.

Amelia said...

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

KrumperKids said...

Love you all Margaret!

Nancy said...

Oh, dear. Now I'm worried and confused—but it sounds like you are, too. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Julia Mar said...

Beautiful. Love transcends all. Your siblings are lucky to haves one another. Love you.

Grandma Jan said...

Indomitable souls. I love you!

Callie and Bryce Christiansen said...

Beautiful family, and you are all still beautiful and you are all still family!

Diane said...

You will all smile like that again some day but it will now be a knowing smile. Thanks for the pictures. I needed that.

Layla said...

I haven't been reading blogs for ages, and I thought I would stop by and see what's new with you.

This post is beautifully written, and I hope that whatever has happened that all will be well.

Love you Margaret, I have always admired your strength.